I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i need an iv and a liver transplant
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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