I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
