Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
