do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
