Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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