My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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