Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
