You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
