Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
