Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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