Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
