I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
