Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
