sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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