the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
