Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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