my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
