i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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