I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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