I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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