i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You pole danced in your parka.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
