I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
