I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
