A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
