Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
