I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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