My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
