I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
