I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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