i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
