96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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