just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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