There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
