3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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