I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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