I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
