HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The uberlube is also flammable
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
