So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
