If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
