Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
