So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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