I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
