i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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