yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
