I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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