Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
