And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
