So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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