she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
