Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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