why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
