I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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