Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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