It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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