So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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