she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
