You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
