I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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