hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
